Do you say Two Thousand Eleven or Twenty Eleven?

New Years Eve or NYE as my sis in law calls it. Spending the last day and evening of 2010 with my brother, sister-in-law, cousin and cousin-in-law, life is good!

I have decided to say GOOD-BYE to Matt and all his memories FOR GOOD! New year, new me.

Goals for Twenty Eleven:
1. 4.0
2. Healthy heart
3. New apartment (YAY!)
4. Dominate Organic
5. Travel-Miami, Key West, DC

Hope everyone else enjoys their celebration as much as I plan on enjoying mine!

Thank God!

So, I kind of gave up on school at the end of the semester. These past three days since finals ended have left me a little depressed because I was thinking that I would possibly have to retake Stats and Chem.

As you know from a few posts back, the last page of my stats final baffled me. So I drew a picture and turned it in and decided that I no longer gave a fuck about anything.

I just checked my grades and I made a, wait for it, a B in stats! I made a C in chemistry (which isn't great but considering that I worked my ass off in there up until the ends says a lot). I got an A in chem lab and med. term. and a B in mythology.

I was planning on going home Monday and seriously not giving a thought to school or grades until around Jan. 15th. But now I can go home with out worrying about school and grades which is what I, of course, would have done!

And the moral of this story is that maybe I take school a little too seriously. Or that not giving a fuck at the end means I get good grades.

Oh, and this is the last post today. I promise!

Crack seriously is whack

One of my sisters is going to prison. Nice, right? She has chosen a life of addiction. But not the classy addiction that introduces you to Dr. Drew. The non-classy addiction that has you turn tricks on Mobile Highway with dirty truckers. The addiction that makes you ugly and gross and mean to the people that care about you.

She has abandoned her children and hates her family while simultaneously begging them for money. So, after her life long quest of endless destruction, she was sentenced to three years at Julia Tutwiler Prison in Wetumpka, Alabama. (Tutwiler, coincidentally, is the home of Alabama's only women's death row. Which has nothing to do with my sister, just a fun fact.)

Really sucks that my parents Christmas is a little bit ruined by all of this.

How cold is it...

Bitch, you know it's cold when a mother fucking lighthouse becomes encased in ice! But this is a pretty cool sight! Looks like one of the castles in Lord of the Rings.

Creative drawings on the last page of exams are good for extra points, right?

Stats exam this morning. I had no clue what the last page of problems were so I drew a hang man with a grave stone that said RIP Jess Aug 23-Dec 14 2010. Death by Stats. Hopefully Dr. Wang will find humor in my pain and give me a point or two. If not, I don't really give a shit.

Taking K and J to the airport early in the morning. Not sure what I will do with out K for the rest of the week but oh well. Working until Friday then...nothing. I will head to my parents on the 20th and stay until around the 12th of Jan. I told my mom today that I just want to go to the book store and get about 10 books and spend the next three weeks reading in bed. I could do it too.

Excited about the Christmas with the kid. She is so much fun because she still finds wonder in the simple things. Excited to see my brother and sister-in-law.

My house looks like a tornado came through. I have more dirty clothes than clean and every single one of my spoons both big and small are dirty. Looks like I don't have the excuse of finals to keep me from cleaning. Guess I will use laziness now.

Wish I could find the fast-forward button on life to get through this week.

Coffee and the Library will get me through anything life throws at me.

I swear to God I will do anything to avoid writing this paper. If it was the plague, I would be safe because I have stayed very very far away from it all semester long.

Dear Life,

I seriously want to quit you right now.

I can't handle the stress.

I just want to sleep.

I don't want to deal with friends or family.

I can't handle school.

I can't play the game anymore.

I think I'm done.

I'm very transparent

I get my feelings hurt very easily by friends and family. The slightest sarcastic tone will have me wondering what the fuck I did to piss you off for days at a time. A forgotten phone call will make me think the other person hates me or that I was bothering them and that's why they didn't return my call. If I'm in a group and I'm sitting off by myself, I feel as if the others don't want me there.

I don't mean that I need constant attention or contact. I enjoy alone time. A lot.

The reason I'm writing this is because of this past week with my brother. He is married to a great girl that makes him very happy. I personally think she is spoiled rotten and gets everything that she has ever wanted because she is the baby and only girl of her family. My brother obviously has no problem with that since he married her.

The two of them plus her brother and I went to Tuscaloosa for a football game this past Thursday. I find it very awkward to be in a group of four but finding myself completely isolated. Because they had no plans made until the day before the game I decided to drive there from Mobile instead of trying to meet them somewhere in the middle. (Mostly because there is no middle between Mobile, La Grange, and Tuscaloosa) I would have had to drive much farther than them in order to find that middle ground. Once I met them instead of leaving one car behind we followed each other everywhere. Me in my car the three of them in their car.

Do you know how awkward that feels?

I am the oldest of my siblings. I have been more places than all of them combined. Experienced life in far greater ways than they. Our parents expect much more from me. I will be in school far longer than all of them.

I haven't bought my own house like two of the siblings. I haven't been sent to jail multiple times like one of them. (There are four of us) I have no children. I expect more from life than the Southeast.

I guess the point of this post is that I just want to be in a group of friends or family and stop feeling as if I don't belong. I want to have friends call me and ask when I will be in town and tell me when they want to see me instead of me making the plans. I want my siblings to treat me with respect and act like they want to be in my company.

I don't want to feel as if I need to wear a poker face hiding my hurt when I'm with a group of people that say they love me.

Life at almost 30...

is a scary scary thing. I think about my mom at 30. I was 10 years old and I thought my mom and dad were so freaking old. Is that how my niece sees me? She is 7 after all.

I think back to all the things I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be all the things other little girls wanted. A princess, the president, a mother, a ballerina, a vet, a doctor, a school teacher. I took the same road that every other little girl took. But I detoured like some do once high school graduation happens.

I don't regret the time between 12th grade and the first semester of my freshman year. The only time it bothers me is when I start calculating how old I will be when I met my first patient as a professional. (That will be somewhere around the age of 36 or so)

The friends I made and the places I visited made me the student I am today. I have very little regret in my almost 30 years. Little things I might change if I could redo it. But one change in the past would mean one change in the future. I am working hard on liking who I am today and I don't think I would want that one change from the past.

The few friends I have kept in touch with from high school are all approaching if not have reached 30 also. The ones that are happily married are okay with it. Some of the single ones wish that they were in relationships or marriages and are not so okay with it.

I don't wish to be married. I don't really wish to be in a relationship right now. I am okay with turning 30.

The one thing that is bothering me, I have stubborn grey hairs popping up. I have no views on plastic surgery other than if it makes you happy, go for it. I never really gave a thought to how I would take wrinkles and grey hairs.

So, while I am okay with being almost 30, I am not okay with my eye's looking tired and the cost of having my hair colored. It looks like I will be investing in some of the eye creams that have those annoying commercials and looking for a cheap (but decent) hair salon and finding my "signature" color that covers all the pesky greys and keeps me looking young for the next decade.

And once again, I changed my mind

A few posts back I said that my spring schedule would include a political science class but I decided against it. It was a senior level class and it kind of freaked me out. So, instead I decided to take another science class. The new on-campus schedule is now Pre-trig, Organic Chemistry 1 with lab, and a pilates class. Plus I will be taking two online classes. Intro Physical Anthropology (which is really an archaeology class) and The Biology of Aging.

I found this really great blog from a current 2nd year med student. She is about my age and decided to go to med school later in life. She already had a undergrad and masters degree in epidemiology and public health and had worked for the health dept. and done tons of over seas research projects. She went back and got her post-bacc pre-med courses out of the way. She took the MCATs 4 different times and her final score was competitive but not perfect. Which gives me hope that I can do it. She is completely honest about her experiences and gives incredibly helpful tips on the day to day and semester to semester events. She has made me reconsider my journey into medicine. I am going to look at master's programs in public health and other similar areas. Anyways, as I figure my life out I will of course document it here so all of y'all that read will know what is going on.

Washington!

How I spent my summer vacation. In pictures!
Without a doubt, my favorite picture!

My dad and his best friend growing up.

Mt. Rainier and Reflection Pond. Ps. that water is cold!

Reflection pond

Dad at the steps of Mt. Rainier

Mt. Rainier

This is a dry river bed in the summer but in the spring when the snow melts the rocks are covered.

This Douglas Fir started growing in 1293 and was cut down in 1963. This is in Mt. Rainier National Park.

Dad and I

The whole family minus a few who couldn't make it out this trip.

My dad and his brothers, sister and mother. This was the first time they had been together since 1981.

Mt. St. Helen. This is the side that was destroyed in May of 1980. The vegetation is just now coming back.

Mt. Rainier

The Cispus River

Tower Rock

State Highway signs

This is the view of Mt. Adams heading down my aunts driveway.

Mt. Rainier

Because sometimes people just don't give a shit.

People never react the way I think they should. Instead of becoming angry or upset I should learn to first reevaluate my reaction and then decide if they or I am right. And even after that happens, who cares what their reaction is. They don't have to deal with what goes on in my life. So what does it matter how they took the news?

Football season is almost over. Heading to Tuscaloosa to watch the Bama/Georgia State game with my brother and sister-in-law. I bought my first Alabama shirt in years on Friday. I think that is the reason I woke up sick on Saturday. The football gods are pissed at me for buying non-Auburn/South Alabama gear. But my brother was nice enough to invite me to the game so I couldn't be a bitch and wear Auburn gear. Plus, I would like to leave Tuscaloosa alive.

The weather sucks in Alabama. Last week it was in the 90's with 100% humidity this weekend it was in the 30's. Go figure. I wish I could go back to when I decided to move to Mobile and remind myself of how much the weather sucks in the south and instead decide to go to school in New Hampshire or Washington State. But then again, airfare is much more expensive than gas money and I'm sure none of the people I call friends would even try to come up with that kind of money to visit. If I can't get them to drive 3 and a half hours to Mobile how in hell would I expect them to fly 5 and a half hours to Washington. I suppose I should get used to that now since that is where I plan on my post-college life being.

Yesterday was my mothers 50th birthday.

Damn, I'm getting old.

Life goals and football

My life is complete chaos. I never know which way is up. At this point I just want to know which way is forward. I registered for Spring class Thursday. Organic Chemistry 1 with lab, Pre-trig, Lit Theory, and The Legislative Process. Spring 2011 will be the beginning of my junior year.

That simply terrifies me.

I don't feel like I should be at the point where I should start studying for the MCAT and the GRE. I don't feel like I should start looking at graduate programs not as an, Oh, it would be nice to go to UW for med. school, but as, Oh, I need to go to Seattle and look into housing and average math and science gpa's and MCAT average scores, and oh my fucking god, I can't do this! Almost everyday I have a break down moment. I realize that I am an idiot for even entertaining the thought of medical school. Dr. Baker. Yeah fucking right. I think that there is no way I will finish general chemistry much less organic one and two and biochem one and two and all those other chemistry-type classes.

It's not that I don't think I am smart. It's that I doubt myself. In everything. When I get out of bed every morning I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. And I don't mean that as, going to school and getting a degree. I mean that as, putting my feet on the ground. Is it the right thing to even get up in the morning. I panic at the slightest thing. A professor being late, instant thoughts of my life is over because Dr. Hoffman is late today, I'm not going to learn all of the material because he was not here to teach it all and his exam is going to be ridiculously hard and I'm not going to finish my stats homework because I'm cramming for chemistry and fuck mythology because that's not important to anything in life but wait, it really is because it's what keeps me happy in school to learn about Greek gods, but it's really a distraction...and it goes on and on and on until Hoffman walks in the door and starts talking rate constants and equilibrium and stochiometery. My life briefly calms down until I leave class and move on to the next one.

I'm not sure how much longer I can function like this. I know it isn't healthy. I also know that the majority of the college students across the country feel this way. I guess I need someone to tell me how to calm the anxiety because I sure as hell haven't figured it out.

I have chem and stats homework that I need to be doing but instead I'm going home to watch the #4 Auburn Tigers kicks some LSU ass.

My bed is the most important thing in my life...for now.

My grandmother once accused me of being depressed because of the amount of time I spend in bed. While it is certainly true that I am, on occasion, depressed, the time I spend in bed is definitely not due to depression. I love my bed. It is my comfort zone. Free time, study time, TV time, me time or any other time I have at home almost always takes place in bed. I don't mind having someone to cuddle with or being alone. I love laying around, covered to my eyeballs and watching a movie or reading a book. I love just laying in bed and listening to the sounds around me. There isn't much that I don't like about my bed. So, with that in mind I found this fabulous poem by Dorothy Parker which I am about to share with you because it pretty much sums up everything I think about my bed but in a much better way.

Ceiling of a Bedroom

Daily dawns another day;
I must up, to make my way.
Though I dress and drink and eat,
Move my fingers and my feet,
Learn a little, here and there,
Weep and laugh and sweat and swear,
Hear a song, or watch a stage,
Leave some words upon a page,
Claim a foe, or hail a friend-
Bed awaits me at the end.

Though I go in pride and strength,
I'll come back to bed at length.
Though I walk in blinded woe,
Back to bed I'm bound to go.
High my heart, or bowed my head,
All my day but lead to bed.
Up, and out, and on; and then
Ever back to bed again,
Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall-
I'm a fool to rise at all!

A little more than the usual

A few friends have written entries with ten things you might not know about them. I decided to do the same because there isn't an original thought in my head. Except I'm doing it different. I am not going to list in order ten things. I'm just gonna write anything and everything I can think of. You can thank me later.

My car is never clean. My fridge always has more science projects than edible stuff. My laundry is never done. My nail-polish is always chipped.

My mascara always ends up on my face instead of my lashes. My bed is never made. The gas tank is always on empty.

75% of the month I am depressed. I always sabotage my love life before it makes it to the love stage. Because of my ex, I doubt myself during sex.

There are a handful of people that know everything about me and they still want to be my friend.

I am obsessive about school but still procrastinate. I would rather be asleep than awake. I want to travel the world from the comfort of my bed.

I have 1000's of lip glosses. The day I go on a diet I buy bags of candy.

I allow the slightest infraction to destroy my life for hours at a time. I am my biggest fan and my loudest critic. I plan on having a career that allows me to set my own hours and to take care of all the people who have taken care of me.

I love with all my heart and hurt with every cell in my being. I love going to the movies by myself. I read the cheesiest of romance novels and love every moment of it.

I daydream about 60% of my day away. I have the best comebacks thirty minutes after the fight is over.

I send about 500 more text messages than I receive and that makes me feel like I am bothering my friends. I talk to my dad about once or twice a month for about 10 minutes. I talk to my mom almost everyday for thirty or forty minutes at a time. I have the most amazing niece in the world.

The man my brother has become is a man I love and respect. The sisters I have gained through marriage drive me crazy but I really do love them.

I can go days without receiving a single phone call and be okay with that but if I don't get at least one text message a day, I feel as if all my friends have forgotten me.

I am jealous of the lives my friends lead but I would never want to change places with them. I love it when a friend compliments me on clothes or shoes because I never feel very fashionable.

I hate it when people touch my feet but I love getting a pedicure. I have no rhythm at all but I love to dance. I don't drink everyday but when I do, I always drink too much.

I say I hate working out but I really like the way I feel afterwards. I never give good advice and I am amazed when friends ask my opinion about something.

I want to live a minimalist life but I love filling my space with things. I love to save money in theory but can't hold onto a dollar to save my life.

I want to be a doctor but I refuse to lose my life in the process of getting my education. I am always late for work. Never late for class.

I doubt that there is a God until the only thing that will get me through my day is a prayer to Him. I question heaven and hell until I overwhelm myself with what-ifs then I believe again.

My front door is my shoe closet. I hate Lifetime and Lifetime Movie Network unless it's a Saturday before an exam.

My life is a crazy, chaotic, whirlwind of a ride. It's never boring, never easy, sometimes depressing, sometimes happy, full of love and hate and it's all mine. I wouldn't change it for a million dollars but sometimes I wish it was a little less distracting.

She works at a morgue?!

Aw, late night library sessions with Katie Blackmon keep me young! School sucks. End of story. Non-school life sucks because there is no life outside of school. Imagine that!

I have bitched about this over and over but I have to do it again. I am tired of getting text messages and phone calls asking when I will be back in Eclectic/Byron to see whomever is on the other end. With the exception of my grandparents, this shit really pisses me off! Where is it written that only I have to travel to see friends and family? I'm tired of making three and half hour trips home to see a handful of friends for an hour or two at a time. Mobile is a pretty fucking cool town and I would much rather spend my weekends here then back in Eclectic doing nothing but sitting at my parents house. Why do I have to spend my money on gas to come see everyone? When will someone show me the love that I so graciously show them?

With that said, I did go home last weekend for fall break and I kind of enjoyed myself. Not really because of the friends I saw but because of the person I went home with. Who also happens to live in Mobile which = coolness in my book.

I'll send you guys a study guide...the night before the exam

How the fuck is that helpful?!

Stressed out. I hate starting blogs like this. I hope that one day I will be able to look back at this stuff and realize that my life is no longer stressed because of school work. I would rather have a stressful day because I am a busy and successful doctor with a husband and kids at home. Not because a professor decides to help by procrastination. (P.s. I got the lock down on that so he needs to move along)

Speaking of procrastination, I hate myself for doing it but I just can't seem to stop. So, right now, I have been up since 7:45 studying what I didn't finish before going to bed at 1:45 for an exam that is in about an hour and 20 minutes. Yes, I am the queen at putting stuff off. I have looked over everything multiple times and feel...somewhat confident I can handle 75% of what will be on the exam. Not the best odds, right?

I have a stats exam on Thursday that, of course, I haven't even thought about until, oh, Wednesday night sounds about right.

I have been having incredible strange dreams lately. The first one was about me going to graduate school in Washington DC and somehow I found out that aliens were planning on killing the president. Just killing him, not taking over Earth or destroying human kind. Just taking out the pres. (I am an Obama fan so this is not some latent pro-conservative/republican fantasy, I swear!) I went to the right authorities and of course they didn't believe me. So I went to class and when I left it was total chaos outside. A couple that I knew from a church I went to as a child passed me and screamed "You will never be saved!" I replied with "I'm cool." And then I met this amazing black man and we had the best sex I have ever dreamed about having. And then I woke up.

The second dream started with me, Justin Beiber, President Obama, and a row guide (?) in a canoe in the middle of a rice patty field in India. A giant octopus was determined to eat us and kept flipping the canoe over. Obama was very gracious and kept helping everyone else into the canoe first before he would get back in. We finally made it to solid ground alive and well. But the dream shifted then and I was at my friend Addie's house with my brother. We had to jump off of Chimney Rock to make it to her front door. Once we got in, Addie and I were laying on a mat on the floor and Jason was on the couch. He spilt a glass of milk and Addie looked at me then took off her panties and cleaned it up. Then I woke up.

I can't help but think something is wrong with me.

So much stuff, so little time

Things are...hectic. I guess that's a good word for life right now. Super stressed about school, as usually. I can handle that. I have no other choice. It's the other stuff in life that is getting to me.

For once, my family is acting halfway normal. Other then the one sister that NEVER has her shit together, everyone else is doing good. The younger sister probably won't be doing so good after she finally buys the house with her douche-bag but what can we do about that? The brother and sister-in-law are doing well from all accounts. I hope to see them soon. The niece is always doing good. She is a princess. What princess has a shitty life, I ask?

The extra stress is coming from a friend. I have reached my wits end with her. I don't know how to continue to be her friend. That sounds...childish. She has control issues. When things don't go her way she gets pissy. When things go her way she still gets a bit pissy. She has started dating a really great guy but she has decided to slack off on her school work. Her choice. But then, when it comes time for exams or to turn assignments in, she freaks out and expects answers from me and another friend. When the other friend and I stay at the library for hours at a time, all week long, working really hard to figure things out, we feel that the control freak friend is taking advantage of us. I don't mind helping anyone out. The problem I have is that she doesn't give the help back. That isn't exactly fair. And it is causing me to start resenting her. I don't want to help her, I don't want to hang out with her. Sad considering that when we first meet we became really good friends and hung out almost everyday. It all changed this semester. Not a good way to keep a friendship for sure.

I went to the Auburn/Clemson game last weekend. It was FANTASTIC! One of the most intense SEC football games I have been to in a long time. It was a nice little vacation from reality.

Speaking of reality, I suppose I should get back to it. Got to get these grades up. Medical schools frown on low GPA's.

Oh, don't worry, your kid is different she doesn't need to be vaccinated.

FUCK you and your uneducated views. I was being nice. And I am educated on this topic. Just because I don't have a kid doesn't mean that I don't know what the fuck I am talking about. Call me when your kid has whooping cough because you made the EDUCATED decision not have the vaccination. Will you allow the kid to have a tetnus shot if she steps on a nail? Or will you just let her go into septic shock and die to up hold your mother earth nature bullshit belief?

Ps this is not about Addie.

"Idiotic religious reasons"

Why is it when a person chooses to not do something they use an argument like "they only started that for idiotic religious reasons"? Any other time that person would tell you that they pray before each meal because they are a religious family that has had this tradition for as long as they remember. Or they don't eat meat on Friday because that's what their faith believes in. Or they go to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve because it is their religions belief that their Saviour was born that day. Funny how people will use religion as an excuse for anything no matter if they want to continue doing it or not.

I'm a slacker

I have 2 blogs almost finished about my vacation and other stuff. But school has started again and I don't have a computer.. And I am determined to make A's (or B's) either one will make me happy. So, the point is that blogging, twittering, and facebooking are taking a back seat to school work.

So, once vacation time comes around or once I get time-management down for the semester, don't expect any blogs. I promise once those two things happen I will up date you on my oh, so fascinating life!

Washington, here I come!

Flight leaves at 6:35 in the morning. I didn't know there was a 6:35 in the morning. Really.

I am a bit fatalistic. I don't really care to fly. I dream of death before I take flight.

Twelve days of not being in Alabama. It is gonna be bliss. My aunt said that it has been a bit chilly the past few days so pack some warm clothes. God I can't wait.

I went to see mom last weekend. I tried to hang out with a few friends. They all forgot I was coming to town. I realize that I take simple mistakes to heart and blow them out of proportion. I see a forgotten phone call as a massive insult when in reality everyone has a life and they get caught up in that life. But in my mind, it means that my friendship means nothing to them. I am so easily forgotten because I am insignificant. I don't know how to change this about me. I need to though.

Callie signed her death wish today. As I was finishing up packing she knocked over my bedside lamp breaking the bulb. I am tired of cleaning up messes that she has made. I am tired of my stuff being destroyed. So, off she goes to my parents house. To live out her life on 40 acres of paradise. Now she can kill bugs instead of lamps and flip flops.

One night

I want one night where I can lay down and not hear the voices in my head.

I want one night where I sleep and don't dream of him.

I want one night where I can enjoy the peace and quiet.

I want one night where I don't have to deal with my family.

I want one night where I can be me without feeling like me is not good enough.

I want one night where I can do anything I please.

I want one night where I have no worries.

I want one night where I have no fears.

I want one night where I don't think of what might of been.

I want one night...

Vacation? What is that?

Summer semester is OVER! Rest and relaxation. Really. My last day of work is tomorrow. Thank God. As much as I bitch about this job, I did tell my boss that I would work next semester if she didn't have anyone to work. I mean, it is a steady pay check and I can study while on the job.

I made a C in chemistry. Thank God. I had to make a C or higher in order to get my financial aid back. So fucking happy.

I am taking 16 hours next semester. General chemistry 2 with lab, Stats, Classical Mythology, Career Planning, and Medical Terminology. Should be fun-filled.

Leighann's birthday was the 3rd. We went to Orange Beach and stayed the night with her and the family. It was a blast. Can't wait for Katie to turn 21 so she can join in on the festivities!

Heading home this weekend. Way to much laundry to do.

Tubing trip on Tuesday.

Washington on Thursday.

Excited doesn't begin to describe how I feel.

A reality show on MTv that is actually...good?

I really like "If you really knew me...". I think it sends a positive message to teenagers and adults alike. When you get a group of people together and force them to tell secrets it exposes how your problems really aren't so unique. I have decided to share some of my if you really knew me's.

If you really knew me...you would know that I equally love and hate my brother. I love him because he is an amazing person. He will be there at the drop of a hat for you. If he needed me I would be there for him in a second. I hate him because he got away. He was able to leave right before everything got really bad between our parents. He never had to hear the fights like I did. He never had to hear the crying. He never had to be Mom's sounding board. Never. I hate him for that. I hate that he was able to leave and met someone. I hate that he has a life completely removed from that family and that his life isn't complicated by the shit I saw and heard.

If you really knew me...you would know that I have a heard time being me. I constantly feel as if I am being judged. I know that I am my biggest downfall but I will turn it around so that I feel like it is others that brought me down. I always feel as if I need to be more than I am. That feeling makes it really hard to figure out who I really am. I know that no one else expects me to be different but whenever I am around a group of friends I feel like I am constantly trying to tell a funnier story than what I told 5 minutes before. I feel like I need to be more caring or less caring or I need to be meaner or nicer. I have a constant inner-dialogue going in my head and it changes literally from minute to minute.

If you really knew me...you would know that I am terrified of failing at life. I set a course for myself and I am so afraid of going off that track. Everything I do is never good enough for me. If I don't do well on an exam, no matter if I truly studied all week for it, I will tell myself how stupid I am. i will berate myself until I crawl into bed and go to sleep just so I don't have to hear myself anymore. That has happened a lot lately.

If you really knew me...you would know that I don't think I will ever reach the goals I have set for myself. I can be on the dean's list until the day I graduate, have the career I dream of, the husband that can't be real, the kids that REALLY are perfect, the home in the magazines, and I will never feel as if I reached my goal. Because I know, deep down, I am not good enough and those things will never be in my reach.

Ahh....

Wednesday 8am

Chemistry final at 8 am tomorrow. Then FREEDOM!

I dreamt about tetrahedrals, trigonal planars, and hybrid orbitals. I need a life.

I dreamed a dream...

...that my brother and his wife were splitting up. It was a family weekend so we were all at my parents house and they (bro and sis-in-law) were barely tolerating each other. They kept saying they had fallen out of love. And I refused to accept it because they had only been married 3 years. For some reason that meant to me that it wasn't enough time for them to fall out of love yet. I kept bringing up things that proved their love that had happened in the past. It didn't help. I was quite devastated.

Lecture ended last week. I have a review session Monday and my final on Wednesday. I can't wait for this semester to be over.

I have tons of stuff planned for this break between semesters. Thirsty Thursday baseball games, Leighann's 21st birthday, canoe trip, visiting mom, Washington. Wish I had money to really enjoy all of these things.

I am planning on taking a cruise in January. A trip, as an adult, with friends. We found one for $189 leaving from Miami (which I have been dying to see) and heading to Key West and Cozumel. I hope we get to go. I think we all deserve it. Those of us that are in school deserve it because we have dedicated so much time to our education. We should have a break on occasion. And what better way to take that break then an all-inclusive cruise of the Caribbean?

It's aquapalooza on Lake Martin. I never really enjoy the lake when hundreds of thousands of people are visiting but it would be nice to be there instead of in Mobile studying. But, so goes the life of a student.

Hurricane season officially started yesterday. Mobile is under a tropical storm watch until 10 pm tonight. Bonnie has brought tons of rain to the area. Not bad except I would rather lay in bed reading, watching movies, or sleeping on rainy Saturdays. Not studying.

Three more days of school then freedom. Life really isn't that bad.

...aaannnndddd break!

Oh my god! I need to de-stress. I want a long vacation with sunshine and water. Or mountains. So happy I will be going to Washington.

Mobile is killing me. The heat is so freaking oppressive. It sucks all the life out of you.

I am so ready for this work study job to be over. This just reconfirms that I NEVER want a desk job. I can't take this! Only 3 weeks left of this job! Thank God!

I have an interview at a restaurant today. Fingers crossed I get the job because I need some kind of interaction with people. I love serving jobs because every table is different and you never know what you are going to get. Plus the money is good.

Glenn Beck for President 2012...wait a minute

Can anyone take this seriously?

Where the fuck are you, part 2

You showed up. I knew you would. You blow my phone up to get a number from me. Funny that the number you wanted is one of your friends. Even funnier that I know for a fact you have the number memorized. And even if you didn't you have about 3 or 4 different friends you could have called to get her number.

Also, funny that the day after you called one of your friends called check up on me. He said that you just crossed his mind so he would text me to see if I had an update on your "situation". Kind of creepy really.

So because of you I had to change the phone number that I have had since I was 22 years old. One that my grandparents had memorized. So, thanks. I really appreciate you inconveniencing not only me but the ones that I REALLY love. So do they by the way.

How dare you

Quick family history. My mom was remarried about 6 or 7 years ago and she is raising her husbands granddaughter. My step-sister is an addict that can't keep her shit straight to save her life. Anyways, when my niece was born both of her biological parents were addicted to Oxycontin and obviously not fit to raise a child. Someone called child protective services on my sister and my niece was taken away from her. My dad stepped in and was granted guardianship of her at 6 months of age. Her father eventually signed over all of his parental rights. My parents allow him to see her every other weekend at their (my parents) convince. Her mother is currently in jail.

Fast forward to 7 years later and her father has a new girlfriend. That is pregnant. The new girlfriend has it in her head that she is helping raise my niece and that she and the father have this perfect little angel and she is such a princess and gag me with a fucking spoon please. It is so easy to say that the kid is a perfect angel when you only see her every other weekend. Unlike my parents and siblings and I who have all helped raise her. We know what kind of brat she is. And we also know she is the brat that she is because we have provided her with a stable, loving environment that teaches her that she always has someone looking out for her and someone she can turn to with any problem she has.

The new girlfriend must not be informed that her boyfriend signed away his rights because in her head once she has her baby the three of them plus my niece will all move in together and live happily ever-after. Funny how she gets to skip all the hard stuff like diaper duty, nightmare calming, abandonment issue resolving (b/c her parents were fucking addicts and let her roll of a bed and disappear into the filth of their house), playground fights, and so on. It is damn easy to take over raising a kid that has been taught right from wrong already. A kid that has manners. And while she is only 7 and there are many more issues that will crop up in her life, why the fuck should this new girl be the one to deal with those issues. The father obviously didn't want to deal with it because he SIGNED OVER ALL OF HIS RIGHTS.

This weekend was one of their weekends with her. Before she left my parents she asked my mother what adoption was. When she got to her fathers house she must have mentioned something about adoption to him and the girlfriend because after the kid had been returned to my parents he called asking why she was talking about adoption. He was worried because "you know, when little kids talk about stuff like that they have heard it from the adults around them". He was questioning without saying it out loud whether or not my parents had told her they would be adopting her. What right does he have to question them. HE HAS NO FUCKING SAY!

And the best thing about all of this is that my parents have remade their will stating that should anything happen to them either my brother who is married (to a physical therapist), owns his own home, and has a college degree or myself, who is currently in college working towards an undergrad degree in biomedical sciences and hoping to go to grad school working towards a degree for physicians assistant or medicine, will get custody of the kid. Because we are both stable adults that have careers or career goals, we have been in her life consistently since the age of 6 months where her father has sporadically been there since she was about 5. The new girlfriend only for the last year.

Please tell me if this moron and his bitch have any right to question my parents or for that matter me or my siblings. Because the way I see it, this is a privilege for them to even be in her life. They should be grateful and shut the fuck up.

Before I go white girl crazy and kick someones ass.

I am such a teenage girl!

Just got done watching Eclipse. Greatest movie of the Twilight Saga so far. I can't wait to see how the last book goes.

In case you are wondering what the demon spawn looks like

I know, I know. She is soooo evil looking!

I know your secret

And I am so telling Mom and Dad!

I seriously hate when people act as if they know about something when they clearly don't. Take Lake Martin for example. Many people have heard the Hank Williams song "Kowaliga". They know it is about the wooden Indian. Some of them know that at Sinclair's Kowaliga there is an Indian out front. But none of them realize that he is not the ORGINAL INDIAN. He is cast iron. People say that Hank wrote the song at Kowaliga. Not true. If people took the time to read the information posted on the walls at Sinclair's they would realize the truth. And no longer look like the dumb asses that they are. Idiots.

Another example is people that talk about towns they don't live. Or previously lived in. Over 5 years ago. Nothing pisses me off more than to hear some dumb ass talk about the oil spill and say stuff like "the beaches in Mobile, Gulf Shores, and Dauphin Island are unaffected by the oil." BULL FUCKING SHIT. How the fuck do you know anyway? Do you live here? Have you visited in the last 3 months? Seriously, what gives you the right to tell a bald-faced lie like that? How about using some of the education your mom and dad paid so much for and do some research before placing your name on the by-line. I mean, you do call yourself a journalist right?

Ugh, moving on. My cat is a fucking lunatic. Apparently she is pissed at me for having a life and leaving her alone. She takes out her aggression in various forms including but not limited to: destroying any and all magazines, pushing picture frames off any surface she can reach, dumping cups over, flipping her food and water bowls over, taking massive shits, destroying toilet paper, knocking all shampoos, shower gels, etc. into the bath tub and knocking them around until they come open then jumping on them until all liquid is gone, daily battles with the massive collection of flip flops that she feels do not deserve to continue to function, and the list goes on and on. She runs through the small apartment she not so graciously shares with me sounding like a herd of buffalo stampeding across the wide open range. She hates when I sit in my beautiful chair my grandmother gave me because it means she can't get in the window when she wants. She claws the carpet up at every opportunity and the bitch didn't give me any money for the pet deposit when she showed up in the tree outside my apartment and decided to move in with me. Oh, and she has decided to start chewing electrical cords around the house. WHAT. THE. FUCK. So, like any rational person I have decide to get her a play mate in the form of another cat. However, I will have to wait to bless this house with a second demon spawn because I need to spend enough time with them ensuring that we can all live together. And I can't do that since I will be leaving for Washington State for 2 weeks. I can only imagine what she will do to express her hatred for me while I am gone. But don't worry. I will keep you guys updated.

On another front, I finally paid off my phone bill that Matt shafted me with. It was a little over $600. I was paying what ever I could every pay check but considering that I only work 18 hours a week for $7.25 an hour, I wasn't able to pay much. I was constantly having it turned off and scrounging for the minimum amount to get it turned back on. I had late fees coming out of my ass. So, over the wonderful Fourth of July weekend I came into a little extra money and I was able to pay it all off. I have a clear balance until the August bill comes knocking on my door. But the really good thing is...NO MORE LATE FEES!

The Tuesday after a holiday is worse than a Monday

Only 3 weeks of class left. I think I can, I think I can.

My boss is a dumb ass. She is 62 and has a Facebook page. Her daughter obviously figured out how crazy she was years ago and so she enjoys tormenting her by posting statuses that will make her mother wonder what is going on in her life. But instead of mother calling daughter to find out what is going on, mother instead bitches to EVERYONE that walks through the doors of the Psychology department at the University of South Alabama. Fucking kill me right now please before I kill mother and daughter. Oh, and if daughter doesn't call mother, mother calls grandson and pumps him for information. Kind of funny if I didn't hear it every fucking day.

Got to spend my weekend on BEAUTIFUL Lake Martin. I can't think of a better place to spend a wonderful holiday. Family, friends, beer, sunshine, cool breezes, pontoon boats, seadoos, islands, waves, brunch, dogs, floats and Chimney Rock. I don't think I could have packed any more into my weekend.

Heading home

Lake Martin on the Fourth of July is the best place to be. Friends, family, food, beer, and fireworks. What more can a girl ask for?

Class ends July 28th. Ahh, I don't think it can come quick enough.

I leave for Washington State August 12th. I won't be back until the 24th. Which is a bit of a problem considering that Fall classes start the 23rd. I will worry about that later.

I am so excited to go to Washington. My dad and I get along so much better now that he is sober. We can have a beer and laugh about the family because we have the same sarcastic attitude. Mt. Rainer, Seattle, Snoqualmie, my Grandmother, aunt, uncles, and cousins. Some of my favorite things. Not to mention that while we are there this annual event that goes on in my family's town called the Loggers Jubilee will be taking place. While I have never been, I did grow up hearing my father talk about this event and I have always wanted to experience it. From what Dad says it is similar to a town fair but with loggers. I. Can. Not. Wait.

As most of the world knows there is a massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. A real mess. Interesting to see the different opinions going around Twitter and Facebook about the situation. I made one status about it on Facebook and sparked some debate. It reminded me of why I don't make political statuses. It really sucks that the spill has happened right at the beginning of summer (or anytime of year for that matter). Mobile is a very hot town and the only comfort we Mobilians can get is from the beach. Kind of hard to do when it is covered in tar balls and dead animals.

On another front but a connection nonetheless, The Powers That BE, that determine hurricanes each year are predicting that this seasons will be equivalent to the 2005 season. For those of you who didn't make the connection right away, 2005 was when Hurricane Katrina unleashed her fury on the Gulf Coast. So, hurricanes galore heading to the Gulf, where massive amounts of oil is lingering should make for an interesting summer.

(Not to confuse anyone but when I say my dad is sober then write that we can have a beer together it's because he was a drug addict not an alcoholic. And while the 2 are very close he never had a drinking problem.)

Week 5

Only 4 weeks of summer classes left. I must go to school everyday. No matter how badly I want to stay in bed. 4 weeks. I can do it. I have to do it in order to get a good grade and get my financial aid money back. AHHHH!

I have a freak of nature for a pet. She started out as a cute, cuddly, calico kitten that I found in the tree outside of my apartment. Flash forward to a year later and she is a demon from hell. Literally. She has destroyed the carpet in my apartment. I have bought scratching post after scratching post trying to find one that she likes. She likes all of them AND the carpet. Uses the post then pushes it out of the way to use the carpet. She has EVERYTHING a cat could ever want or need and yet she walks around the apartment in a pissy ass mood all day long. She likes to knock cups full of liquid over, tearing up toilet paper, destroying shoes, and ripping my legs to shreds. The only thing I can think to do is to get another kitten. Maybe if she has a play mat, she will leave my legs, carpet, and shoes alone. Or maybe they will gang up on me and kill me in my sleep.

What to do, what to do.

Undo it

I really like that song.

I screamed at my reflection in the closet mirror this morning. Went in to get a pair of shoes and turned around and saw myself and screamed. Not good for my ego. Makes me think I have been spending too much time by myself lately.

Had a chemistry exam scheduled for today but the air conditioning went out in the Chemistry building. He rescheduled it for Monday. Yay. I will have more time to study. Go me. It's amazing how much more you learn when you have a teacher that actually, well, teaches.

Fourth of July is coming up soon. Not sure if I will make it home. You need gas to go places and you need money for gas. Don't have the money so I don't have the gas. If all of the fam gets together I am sure Mom will pay my way.

Made a new homework buddy today. Actually 2. Means I am moving up in the friend world! They are probably both about 20 years old though. I guess beggars can't be choosers.

Can't decide if I want to go back to sleep or eat since I have all this free time today.

One foot in front of the other...

I never really knew what that meant until my first break-up. The only way to get somewhere is by putting one foot in front of the other, right? So why the cliche?

When I finally realized that my life was at a grinding halt because of him, I asked him to leave. When he was gone, my world crashed around me. I had seen pieces of it falling before he left but then suddenly it all hit the floor.

I laid down in the bed we shared and cried. I grieved like a wounded animal. I knew in my heart that I would never be the same.

So, I go forward. One foot in front of the other. I move on with my life. I go to class. I go to work. I laugh. And I still cry.

But not because of him. I cry now because of myself. I cry because my life is a mess. I cry because I have very few friends here. I cry because the friends I want to be here are too busy with their own lives to worry about mine. I cry because I think that nothing matters anymore.

So, can someone, anyone tell me that it matters? That there really is something out there to reach for?

Where the fuck are you?

You had someone knock on my door and tell me that you were in jail because your other ex found you with a needle in your arm. Three days after you told me you were clean and sober. It has been three weeks since that knock but you still aren't showing up on the current inmates list.

Do you think I am stupid? Some naive little girl that has no idea how to look for information? Did you really think I wouldn't call her to find out the truth?

Good job on getting her to lie for you. Even better getting all the other neighbors involved.

Too bad you didn't have them check all of their stories before they called me. Because none of them match.

So the truth is that you do think I am stupid.

Well, the jokes on you. I am done for good. You will no longer make me cry. You will no longer scare me. I will no longer worry about you.

I am moving on and you can't stop me.

Go ahead.

Try it.

I will crush you.

That is not an empty threat.