I'm very transparent

I get my feelings hurt very easily by friends and family. The slightest sarcastic tone will have me wondering what the fuck I did to piss you off for days at a time. A forgotten phone call will make me think the other person hates me or that I was bothering them and that's why they didn't return my call. If I'm in a group and I'm sitting off by myself, I feel as if the others don't want me there.

I don't mean that I need constant attention or contact. I enjoy alone time. A lot.

The reason I'm writing this is because of this past week with my brother. He is married to a great girl that makes him very happy. I personally think she is spoiled rotten and gets everything that she has ever wanted because she is the baby and only girl of her family. My brother obviously has no problem with that since he married her.

The two of them plus her brother and I went to Tuscaloosa for a football game this past Thursday. I find it very awkward to be in a group of four but finding myself completely isolated. Because they had no plans made until the day before the game I decided to drive there from Mobile instead of trying to meet them somewhere in the middle. (Mostly because there is no middle between Mobile, La Grange, and Tuscaloosa) I would have had to drive much farther than them in order to find that middle ground. Once I met them instead of leaving one car behind we followed each other everywhere. Me in my car the three of them in their car.

Do you know how awkward that feels?

I am the oldest of my siblings. I have been more places than all of them combined. Experienced life in far greater ways than they. Our parents expect much more from me. I will be in school far longer than all of them.

I haven't bought my own house like two of the siblings. I haven't been sent to jail multiple times like one of them. (There are four of us) I have no children. I expect more from life than the Southeast.

I guess the point of this post is that I just want to be in a group of friends or family and stop feeling as if I don't belong. I want to have friends call me and ask when I will be in town and tell me when they want to see me instead of me making the plans. I want my siblings to treat me with respect and act like they want to be in my company.

I don't want to feel as if I need to wear a poker face hiding my hurt when I'm with a group of people that say they love me.