My life is complete chaos. I never know which way is up. At this point I just want to know which way is forward. I registered for Spring class Thursday. Organic Chemistry 1 with lab, Pre-trig, Lit Theory, and The Legislative Process. Spring 2011 will be the beginning of my junior year.
That simply terrifies me.
I don't feel like I should be at the point where I should start studying for the MCAT and the GRE. I don't feel like I should start looking at graduate programs not as an, Oh, it would be nice to go to UW for med. school, but as, Oh, I need to go to Seattle and look into housing and average math and science gpa's and MCAT average scores, and oh my fucking god, I can't do this! Almost everyday I have a break down moment. I realize that I am an idiot for even entertaining the thought of medical school. Dr. Baker. Yeah fucking right. I think that there is no way I will finish general chemistry much less organic one and two and biochem one and two and all those other chemistry-type classes.
It's not that I don't think I am smart. It's that I doubt myself. In everything. When I get out of bed every morning I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. And I don't mean that as, going to school and getting a degree. I mean that as, putting my feet on the ground. Is it the right thing to even get up in the morning. I panic at the slightest thing. A professor being late, instant thoughts of my life is over because Dr. Hoffman is late today, I'm not going to learn all of the material because he was not here to teach it all and his exam is going to be ridiculously hard and I'm not going to finish my stats homework because I'm cramming for chemistry and fuck mythology because that's not important to anything in life but wait, it really is because it's what keeps me happy in school to learn about Greek gods, but it's really a distraction...and it goes on and on and on until Hoffman walks in the door and starts talking rate constants and equilibrium and stochiometery. My life briefly calms down until I leave class and move on to the next one.
I'm not sure how much longer I can function like this. I know it isn't healthy. I also know that the majority of the college students across the country feel this way. I guess I need someone to tell me how to calm the anxiety because I sure as hell haven't figured it out.
I have chem and stats homework that I need to be doing but instead I'm going home to watch the #4 Auburn Tigers kicks some LSU ass.
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