Winter break is slowly coming to an end.

It's the last weekend of winter break. I have class at 9:30 Tuesday morning. This is the last full year of my undergraduate career. I can't decide if I'm happy or excited or terrified or if I just don't give a fuck.

I'm feeling a little out of sorts at the moment. I can't seem to focus on anything. Even writing this I feel so scattered. I can't even pin point what is wrong exactly. I'm a little sad, a little happy, a little cranky, a little nice, and a little mean everyday. My moods seem to shift from hour to hour and I don't know if I'm going to laugh or cry with each passing moment.

The slightest thing hurts my feelings. A misconstrued text, a missed phone call, or a frantic morning at work all bring about this great sense of disappointment.

I cried myself to sleep last night because of a silly friend and a photo of my grandmother. The two aren't connected. The friend hurt my feelings first and then as I was laying down I was reviewing my day when I thought of some of the different things the friend has done in the past that has hurt my feelings. Then I saw a picture of my grandmother. She was smiling and happy and I realized that this March will be twenty years since she died. Twenty years since I last heard her voice, her laughter, felt her hands on my face. Twenty years. I guess the different disappointments of the day caught up with me so I cried until I had the hiccups and then I fell asleep.

Since I'm feeling so out of sorts I've decided that I need to fill every moment of my life with something. Since I don't make much money and I don't have many friends in Mobile I'm going to volunteer. Before you think I'm some super altruistic person you should know that I need volunteer work for grad school applications. I'm hoping that it will occupy my time so that I don't sit around thinking about how shitty it is to have let my grades slip so much that I might realistically not be able to get into graduate school. And I'm hoping that between school, work, and volunteer time I will be so exhausted at the end of the day that I don't think about all the things that went wrong and end the night in hysterics.

I can't seem to focus on anything.