A reality show on MTv that is actually...good?

I really like "If you really knew me...". I think it sends a positive message to teenagers and adults alike. When you get a group of people together and force them to tell secrets it exposes how your problems really aren't so unique. I have decided to share some of my if you really knew me's.

If you really knew me...you would know that I equally love and hate my brother. I love him because he is an amazing person. He will be there at the drop of a hat for you. If he needed me I would be there for him in a second. I hate him because he got away. He was able to leave right before everything got really bad between our parents. He never had to hear the fights like I did. He never had to hear the crying. He never had to be Mom's sounding board. Never. I hate him for that. I hate that he was able to leave and met someone. I hate that he has a life completely removed from that family and that his life isn't complicated by the shit I saw and heard.

If you really knew me...you would know that I have a heard time being me. I constantly feel as if I am being judged. I know that I am my biggest downfall but I will turn it around so that I feel like it is others that brought me down. I always feel as if I need to be more than I am. That feeling makes it really hard to figure out who I really am. I know that no one else expects me to be different but whenever I am around a group of friends I feel like I am constantly trying to tell a funnier story than what I told 5 minutes before. I feel like I need to be more caring or less caring or I need to be meaner or nicer. I have a constant inner-dialogue going in my head and it changes literally from minute to minute.

If you really knew me...you would know that I am terrified of failing at life. I set a course for myself and I am so afraid of going off that track. Everything I do is never good enough for me. If I don't do well on an exam, no matter if I truly studied all week for it, I will tell myself how stupid I am. i will berate myself until I crawl into bed and go to sleep just so I don't have to hear myself anymore. That has happened a lot lately.

If you really knew me...you would know that I don't think I will ever reach the goals I have set for myself. I can be on the dean's list until the day I graduate, have the career I dream of, the husband that can't be real, the kids that REALLY are perfect, the home in the magazines, and I will never feel as if I reached my goal. Because I know, deep down, I am not good enough and those things will never be in my reach.

Ahh....

Wednesday 8am

Chemistry final at 8 am tomorrow. Then FREEDOM!

I dreamt about tetrahedrals, trigonal planars, and hybrid orbitals. I need a life.

I dreamed a dream...

...that my brother and his wife were splitting up. It was a family weekend so we were all at my parents house and they (bro and sis-in-law) were barely tolerating each other. They kept saying they had fallen out of love. And I refused to accept it because they had only been married 3 years. For some reason that meant to me that it wasn't enough time for them to fall out of love yet. I kept bringing up things that proved their love that had happened in the past. It didn't help. I was quite devastated.

Lecture ended last week. I have a review session Monday and my final on Wednesday. I can't wait for this semester to be over.

I have tons of stuff planned for this break between semesters. Thirsty Thursday baseball games, Leighann's 21st birthday, canoe trip, visiting mom, Washington. Wish I had money to really enjoy all of these things.

I am planning on taking a cruise in January. A trip, as an adult, with friends. We found one for $189 leaving from Miami (which I have been dying to see) and heading to Key West and Cozumel. I hope we get to go. I think we all deserve it. Those of us that are in school deserve it because we have dedicated so much time to our education. We should have a break on occasion. And what better way to take that break then an all-inclusive cruise of the Caribbean?

It's aquapalooza on Lake Martin. I never really enjoy the lake when hundreds of thousands of people are visiting but it would be nice to be there instead of in Mobile studying. But, so goes the life of a student.

Hurricane season officially started yesterday. Mobile is under a tropical storm watch until 10 pm tonight. Bonnie has brought tons of rain to the area. Not bad except I would rather lay in bed reading, watching movies, or sleeping on rainy Saturdays. Not studying.

Three more days of school then freedom. Life really isn't that bad.

...aaannnndddd break!

Oh my god! I need to de-stress. I want a long vacation with sunshine and water. Or mountains. So happy I will be going to Washington.

Mobile is killing me. The heat is so freaking oppressive. It sucks all the life out of you.

I am so ready for this work study job to be over. This just reconfirms that I NEVER want a desk job. I can't take this! Only 3 weeks left of this job! Thank God!

I have an interview at a restaurant today. Fingers crossed I get the job because I need some kind of interaction with people. I love serving jobs because every table is different and you never know what you are going to get. Plus the money is good.

Glenn Beck for President 2012...wait a minute

Can anyone take this seriously?

Where the fuck are you, part 2

You showed up. I knew you would. You blow my phone up to get a number from me. Funny that the number you wanted is one of your friends. Even funnier that I know for a fact you have the number memorized. And even if you didn't you have about 3 or 4 different friends you could have called to get her number.

Also, funny that the day after you called one of your friends called check up on me. He said that you just crossed his mind so he would text me to see if I had an update on your "situation". Kind of creepy really.

So because of you I had to change the phone number that I have had since I was 22 years old. One that my grandparents had memorized. So, thanks. I really appreciate you inconveniencing not only me but the ones that I REALLY love. So do they by the way.

How dare you

Quick family history. My mom was remarried about 6 or 7 years ago and she is raising her husbands granddaughter. My step-sister is an addict that can't keep her shit straight to save her life. Anyways, when my niece was born both of her biological parents were addicted to Oxycontin and obviously not fit to raise a child. Someone called child protective services on my sister and my niece was taken away from her. My dad stepped in and was granted guardianship of her at 6 months of age. Her father eventually signed over all of his parental rights. My parents allow him to see her every other weekend at their (my parents) convince. Her mother is currently in jail.

Fast forward to 7 years later and her father has a new girlfriend. That is pregnant. The new girlfriend has it in her head that she is helping raise my niece and that she and the father have this perfect little angel and she is such a princess and gag me with a fucking spoon please. It is so easy to say that the kid is a perfect angel when you only see her every other weekend. Unlike my parents and siblings and I who have all helped raise her. We know what kind of brat she is. And we also know she is the brat that she is because we have provided her with a stable, loving environment that teaches her that she always has someone looking out for her and someone she can turn to with any problem she has.

The new girlfriend must not be informed that her boyfriend signed away his rights because in her head once she has her baby the three of them plus my niece will all move in together and live happily ever-after. Funny how she gets to skip all the hard stuff like diaper duty, nightmare calming, abandonment issue resolving (b/c her parents were fucking addicts and let her roll of a bed and disappear into the filth of their house), playground fights, and so on. It is damn easy to take over raising a kid that has been taught right from wrong already. A kid that has manners. And while she is only 7 and there are many more issues that will crop up in her life, why the fuck should this new girl be the one to deal with those issues. The father obviously didn't want to deal with it because he SIGNED OVER ALL OF HIS RIGHTS.

This weekend was one of their weekends with her. Before she left my parents she asked my mother what adoption was. When she got to her fathers house she must have mentioned something about adoption to him and the girlfriend because after the kid had been returned to my parents he called asking why she was talking about adoption. He was worried because "you know, when little kids talk about stuff like that they have heard it from the adults around them". He was questioning without saying it out loud whether or not my parents had told her they would be adopting her. What right does he have to question them. HE HAS NO FUCKING SAY!

And the best thing about all of this is that my parents have remade their will stating that should anything happen to them either my brother who is married (to a physical therapist), owns his own home, and has a college degree or myself, who is currently in college working towards an undergrad degree in biomedical sciences and hoping to go to grad school working towards a degree for physicians assistant or medicine, will get custody of the kid. Because we are both stable adults that have careers or career goals, we have been in her life consistently since the age of 6 months where her father has sporadically been there since she was about 5. The new girlfriend only for the last year.

Please tell me if this moron and his bitch have any right to question my parents or for that matter me or my siblings. Because the way I see it, this is a privilege for them to even be in her life. They should be grateful and shut the fuck up.

Before I go white girl crazy and kick someones ass.

I am such a teenage girl!

Just got done watching Eclipse. Greatest movie of the Twilight Saga so far. I can't wait to see how the last book goes.

In case you are wondering what the demon spawn looks like

I know, I know. She is soooo evil looking!

I know your secret

And I am so telling Mom and Dad!

I seriously hate when people act as if they know about something when they clearly don't. Take Lake Martin for example. Many people have heard the Hank Williams song "Kowaliga". They know it is about the wooden Indian. Some of them know that at Sinclair's Kowaliga there is an Indian out front. But none of them realize that he is not the ORGINAL INDIAN. He is cast iron. People say that Hank wrote the song at Kowaliga. Not true. If people took the time to read the information posted on the walls at Sinclair's they would realize the truth. And no longer look like the dumb asses that they are. Idiots.

Another example is people that talk about towns they don't live. Or previously lived in. Over 5 years ago. Nothing pisses me off more than to hear some dumb ass talk about the oil spill and say stuff like "the beaches in Mobile, Gulf Shores, and Dauphin Island are unaffected by the oil." BULL FUCKING SHIT. How the fuck do you know anyway? Do you live here? Have you visited in the last 3 months? Seriously, what gives you the right to tell a bald-faced lie like that? How about using some of the education your mom and dad paid so much for and do some research before placing your name on the by-line. I mean, you do call yourself a journalist right?

Ugh, moving on. My cat is a fucking lunatic. Apparently she is pissed at me for having a life and leaving her alone. She takes out her aggression in various forms including but not limited to: destroying any and all magazines, pushing picture frames off any surface she can reach, dumping cups over, flipping her food and water bowls over, taking massive shits, destroying toilet paper, knocking all shampoos, shower gels, etc. into the bath tub and knocking them around until they come open then jumping on them until all liquid is gone, daily battles with the massive collection of flip flops that she feels do not deserve to continue to function, and the list goes on and on. She runs through the small apartment she not so graciously shares with me sounding like a herd of buffalo stampeding across the wide open range. She hates when I sit in my beautiful chair my grandmother gave me because it means she can't get in the window when she wants. She claws the carpet up at every opportunity and the bitch didn't give me any money for the pet deposit when she showed up in the tree outside my apartment and decided to move in with me. Oh, and she has decided to start chewing electrical cords around the house. WHAT. THE. FUCK. So, like any rational person I have decide to get her a play mate in the form of another cat. However, I will have to wait to bless this house with a second demon spawn because I need to spend enough time with them ensuring that we can all live together. And I can't do that since I will be leaving for Washington State for 2 weeks. I can only imagine what she will do to express her hatred for me while I am gone. But don't worry. I will keep you guys updated.

On another front, I finally paid off my phone bill that Matt shafted me with. It was a little over $600. I was paying what ever I could every pay check but considering that I only work 18 hours a week for $7.25 an hour, I wasn't able to pay much. I was constantly having it turned off and scrounging for the minimum amount to get it turned back on. I had late fees coming out of my ass. So, over the wonderful Fourth of July weekend I came into a little extra money and I was able to pay it all off. I have a clear balance until the August bill comes knocking on my door. But the really good thing is...NO MORE LATE FEES!

The Tuesday after a holiday is worse than a Monday

Only 3 weeks of class left. I think I can, I think I can.

My boss is a dumb ass. She is 62 and has a Facebook page. Her daughter obviously figured out how crazy she was years ago and so she enjoys tormenting her by posting statuses that will make her mother wonder what is going on in her life. But instead of mother calling daughter to find out what is going on, mother instead bitches to EVERYONE that walks through the doors of the Psychology department at the University of South Alabama. Fucking kill me right now please before I kill mother and daughter. Oh, and if daughter doesn't call mother, mother calls grandson and pumps him for information. Kind of funny if I didn't hear it every fucking day.

Got to spend my weekend on BEAUTIFUL Lake Martin. I can't think of a better place to spend a wonderful holiday. Family, friends, beer, sunshine, cool breezes, pontoon boats, seadoos, islands, waves, brunch, dogs, floats and Chimney Rock. I don't think I could have packed any more into my weekend.

Heading home

Lake Martin on the Fourth of July is the best place to be. Friends, family, food, beer, and fireworks. What more can a girl ask for?

Class ends July 28th. Ahh, I don't think it can come quick enough.

I leave for Washington State August 12th. I won't be back until the 24th. Which is a bit of a problem considering that Fall classes start the 23rd. I will worry about that later.

I am so excited to go to Washington. My dad and I get along so much better now that he is sober. We can have a beer and laugh about the family because we have the same sarcastic attitude. Mt. Rainer, Seattle, Snoqualmie, my Grandmother, aunt, uncles, and cousins. Some of my favorite things. Not to mention that while we are there this annual event that goes on in my family's town called the Loggers Jubilee will be taking place. While I have never been, I did grow up hearing my father talk about this event and I have always wanted to experience it. From what Dad says it is similar to a town fair but with loggers. I. Can. Not. Wait.

As most of the world knows there is a massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. A real mess. Interesting to see the different opinions going around Twitter and Facebook about the situation. I made one status about it on Facebook and sparked some debate. It reminded me of why I don't make political statuses. It really sucks that the spill has happened right at the beginning of summer (or anytime of year for that matter). Mobile is a very hot town and the only comfort we Mobilians can get is from the beach. Kind of hard to do when it is covered in tar balls and dead animals.

On another front but a connection nonetheless, The Powers That BE, that determine hurricanes each year are predicting that this seasons will be equivalent to the 2005 season. For those of you who didn't make the connection right away, 2005 was when Hurricane Katrina unleashed her fury on the Gulf Coast. So, hurricanes galore heading to the Gulf, where massive amounts of oil is lingering should make for an interesting summer.

(Not to confuse anyone but when I say my dad is sober then write that we can have a beer together it's because he was a drug addict not an alcoholic. And while the 2 are very close he never had a drinking problem.)