I'm very transparent

I get my feelings hurt very easily by friends and family. The slightest sarcastic tone will have me wondering what the fuck I did to piss you off for days at a time. A forgotten phone call will make me think the other person hates me or that I was bothering them and that's why they didn't return my call. If I'm in a group and I'm sitting off by myself, I feel as if the others don't want me there.

I don't mean that I need constant attention or contact. I enjoy alone time. A lot.

The reason I'm writing this is because of this past week with my brother. He is married to a great girl that makes him very happy. I personally think she is spoiled rotten and gets everything that she has ever wanted because she is the baby and only girl of her family. My brother obviously has no problem with that since he married her.

The two of them plus her brother and I went to Tuscaloosa for a football game this past Thursday. I find it very awkward to be in a group of four but finding myself completely isolated. Because they had no plans made until the day before the game I decided to drive there from Mobile instead of trying to meet them somewhere in the middle. (Mostly because there is no middle between Mobile, La Grange, and Tuscaloosa) I would have had to drive much farther than them in order to find that middle ground. Once I met them instead of leaving one car behind we followed each other everywhere. Me in my car the three of them in their car.

Do you know how awkward that feels?

I am the oldest of my siblings. I have been more places than all of them combined. Experienced life in far greater ways than they. Our parents expect much more from me. I will be in school far longer than all of them.

I haven't bought my own house like two of the siblings. I haven't been sent to jail multiple times like one of them. (There are four of us) I have no children. I expect more from life than the Southeast.

I guess the point of this post is that I just want to be in a group of friends or family and stop feeling as if I don't belong. I want to have friends call me and ask when I will be in town and tell me when they want to see me instead of me making the plans. I want my siblings to treat me with respect and act like they want to be in my company.

I don't want to feel as if I need to wear a poker face hiding my hurt when I'm with a group of people that say they love me.

Life at almost 30...

is a scary scary thing. I think about my mom at 30. I was 10 years old and I thought my mom and dad were so freaking old. Is that how my niece sees me? She is 7 after all.

I think back to all the things I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be all the things other little girls wanted. A princess, the president, a mother, a ballerina, a vet, a doctor, a school teacher. I took the same road that every other little girl took. But I detoured like some do once high school graduation happens.

I don't regret the time between 12th grade and the first semester of my freshman year. The only time it bothers me is when I start calculating how old I will be when I met my first patient as a professional. (That will be somewhere around the age of 36 or so)

The friends I made and the places I visited made me the student I am today. I have very little regret in my almost 30 years. Little things I might change if I could redo it. But one change in the past would mean one change in the future. I am working hard on liking who I am today and I don't think I would want that one change from the past.

The few friends I have kept in touch with from high school are all approaching if not have reached 30 also. The ones that are happily married are okay with it. Some of the single ones wish that they were in relationships or marriages and are not so okay with it.

I don't wish to be married. I don't really wish to be in a relationship right now. I am okay with turning 30.

The one thing that is bothering me, I have stubborn grey hairs popping up. I have no views on plastic surgery other than if it makes you happy, go for it. I never really gave a thought to how I would take wrinkles and grey hairs.

So, while I am okay with being almost 30, I am not okay with my eye's looking tired and the cost of having my hair colored. It looks like I will be investing in some of the eye creams that have those annoying commercials and looking for a cheap (but decent) hair salon and finding my "signature" color that covers all the pesky greys and keeps me looking young for the next decade.

And once again, I changed my mind

A few posts back I said that my spring schedule would include a political science class but I decided against it. It was a senior level class and it kind of freaked me out. So, instead I decided to take another science class. The new on-campus schedule is now Pre-trig, Organic Chemistry 1 with lab, and a pilates class. Plus I will be taking two online classes. Intro Physical Anthropology (which is really an archaeology class) and The Biology of Aging.

I found this really great blog from a current 2nd year med student. She is about my age and decided to go to med school later in life. She already had a undergrad and masters degree in epidemiology and public health and had worked for the health dept. and done tons of over seas research projects. She went back and got her post-bacc pre-med courses out of the way. She took the MCATs 4 different times and her final score was competitive but not perfect. Which gives me hope that I can do it. She is completely honest about her experiences and gives incredibly helpful tips on the day to day and semester to semester events. She has made me reconsider my journey into medicine. I am going to look at master's programs in public health and other similar areas. Anyways, as I figure my life out I will of course document it here so all of y'all that read will know what is going on.

Washington!

How I spent my summer vacation. In pictures!
Without a doubt, my favorite picture!

My dad and his best friend growing up.

Mt. Rainier and Reflection Pond. Ps. that water is cold!

Reflection pond

Dad at the steps of Mt. Rainier

Mt. Rainier

This is a dry river bed in the summer but in the spring when the snow melts the rocks are covered.

This Douglas Fir started growing in 1293 and was cut down in 1963. This is in Mt. Rainier National Park.

Dad and I

The whole family minus a few who couldn't make it out this trip.

My dad and his brothers, sister and mother. This was the first time they had been together since 1981.

Mt. St. Helen. This is the side that was destroyed in May of 1980. The vegetation is just now coming back.

Mt. Rainier

The Cispus River

Tower Rock

State Highway signs

This is the view of Mt. Adams heading down my aunts driveway.

Mt. Rainier

Because sometimes people just don't give a shit.

People never react the way I think they should. Instead of becoming angry or upset I should learn to first reevaluate my reaction and then decide if they or I am right. And even after that happens, who cares what their reaction is. They don't have to deal with what goes on in my life. So what does it matter how they took the news?

Football season is almost over. Heading to Tuscaloosa to watch the Bama/Georgia State game with my brother and sister-in-law. I bought my first Alabama shirt in years on Friday. I think that is the reason I woke up sick on Saturday. The football gods are pissed at me for buying non-Auburn/South Alabama gear. But my brother was nice enough to invite me to the game so I couldn't be a bitch and wear Auburn gear. Plus, I would like to leave Tuscaloosa alive.

The weather sucks in Alabama. Last week it was in the 90's with 100% humidity this weekend it was in the 30's. Go figure. I wish I could go back to when I decided to move to Mobile and remind myself of how much the weather sucks in the south and instead decide to go to school in New Hampshire or Washington State. But then again, airfare is much more expensive than gas money and I'm sure none of the people I call friends would even try to come up with that kind of money to visit. If I can't get them to drive 3 and a half hours to Mobile how in hell would I expect them to fly 5 and a half hours to Washington. I suppose I should get used to that now since that is where I plan on my post-college life being.

Yesterday was my mothers 50th birthday.

Damn, I'm getting old.