Life goals and football

My life is complete chaos. I never know which way is up. At this point I just want to know which way is forward. I registered for Spring class Thursday. Organic Chemistry 1 with lab, Pre-trig, Lit Theory, and The Legislative Process. Spring 2011 will be the beginning of my junior year.

That simply terrifies me.

I don't feel like I should be at the point where I should start studying for the MCAT and the GRE. I don't feel like I should start looking at graduate programs not as an, Oh, it would be nice to go to UW for med. school, but as, Oh, I need to go to Seattle and look into housing and average math and science gpa's and MCAT average scores, and oh my fucking god, I can't do this! Almost everyday I have a break down moment. I realize that I am an idiot for even entertaining the thought of medical school. Dr. Baker. Yeah fucking right. I think that there is no way I will finish general chemistry much less organic one and two and biochem one and two and all those other chemistry-type classes.

It's not that I don't think I am smart. It's that I doubt myself. In everything. When I get out of bed every morning I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. And I don't mean that as, going to school and getting a degree. I mean that as, putting my feet on the ground. Is it the right thing to even get up in the morning. I panic at the slightest thing. A professor being late, instant thoughts of my life is over because Dr. Hoffman is late today, I'm not going to learn all of the material because he was not here to teach it all and his exam is going to be ridiculously hard and I'm not going to finish my stats homework because I'm cramming for chemistry and fuck mythology because that's not important to anything in life but wait, it really is because it's what keeps me happy in school to learn about Greek gods, but it's really a distraction...and it goes on and on and on until Hoffman walks in the door and starts talking rate constants and equilibrium and stochiometery. My life briefly calms down until I leave class and move on to the next one.

I'm not sure how much longer I can function like this. I know it isn't healthy. I also know that the majority of the college students across the country feel this way. I guess I need someone to tell me how to calm the anxiety because I sure as hell haven't figured it out.

I have chem and stats homework that I need to be doing but instead I'm going home to watch the #4 Auburn Tigers kicks some LSU ass.

My bed is the most important thing in my life...for now.

My grandmother once accused me of being depressed because of the amount of time I spend in bed. While it is certainly true that I am, on occasion, depressed, the time I spend in bed is definitely not due to depression. I love my bed. It is my comfort zone. Free time, study time, TV time, me time or any other time I have at home almost always takes place in bed. I don't mind having someone to cuddle with or being alone. I love laying around, covered to my eyeballs and watching a movie or reading a book. I love just laying in bed and listening to the sounds around me. There isn't much that I don't like about my bed. So, with that in mind I found this fabulous poem by Dorothy Parker which I am about to share with you because it pretty much sums up everything I think about my bed but in a much better way.

Ceiling of a Bedroom

Daily dawns another day;
I must up, to make my way.
Though I dress and drink and eat,
Move my fingers and my feet,
Learn a little, here and there,
Weep and laugh and sweat and swear,
Hear a song, or watch a stage,
Leave some words upon a page,
Claim a foe, or hail a friend-
Bed awaits me at the end.

Though I go in pride and strength,
I'll come back to bed at length.
Though I walk in blinded woe,
Back to bed I'm bound to go.
High my heart, or bowed my head,
All my day but lead to bed.
Up, and out, and on; and then
Ever back to bed again,
Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall-
I'm a fool to rise at all!

A little more than the usual

A few friends have written entries with ten things you might not know about them. I decided to do the same because there isn't an original thought in my head. Except I'm doing it different. I am not going to list in order ten things. I'm just gonna write anything and everything I can think of. You can thank me later.

My car is never clean. My fridge always has more science projects than edible stuff. My laundry is never done. My nail-polish is always chipped.

My mascara always ends up on my face instead of my lashes. My bed is never made. The gas tank is always on empty.

75% of the month I am depressed. I always sabotage my love life before it makes it to the love stage. Because of my ex, I doubt myself during sex.

There are a handful of people that know everything about me and they still want to be my friend.

I am obsessive about school but still procrastinate. I would rather be asleep than awake. I want to travel the world from the comfort of my bed.

I have 1000's of lip glosses. The day I go on a diet I buy bags of candy.

I allow the slightest infraction to destroy my life for hours at a time. I am my biggest fan and my loudest critic. I plan on having a career that allows me to set my own hours and to take care of all the people who have taken care of me.

I love with all my heart and hurt with every cell in my being. I love going to the movies by myself. I read the cheesiest of romance novels and love every moment of it.

I daydream about 60% of my day away. I have the best comebacks thirty minutes after the fight is over.

I send about 500 more text messages than I receive and that makes me feel like I am bothering my friends. I talk to my dad about once or twice a month for about 10 minutes. I talk to my mom almost everyday for thirty or forty minutes at a time. I have the most amazing niece in the world.

The man my brother has become is a man I love and respect. The sisters I have gained through marriage drive me crazy but I really do love them.

I can go days without receiving a single phone call and be okay with that but if I don't get at least one text message a day, I feel as if all my friends have forgotten me.

I am jealous of the lives my friends lead but I would never want to change places with them. I love it when a friend compliments me on clothes or shoes because I never feel very fashionable.

I hate it when people touch my feet but I love getting a pedicure. I have no rhythm at all but I love to dance. I don't drink everyday but when I do, I always drink too much.

I say I hate working out but I really like the way I feel afterwards. I never give good advice and I am amazed when friends ask my opinion about something.

I want to live a minimalist life but I love filling my space with things. I love to save money in theory but can't hold onto a dollar to save my life.

I want to be a doctor but I refuse to lose my life in the process of getting my education. I am always late for work. Never late for class.

I doubt that there is a God until the only thing that will get me through my day is a prayer to Him. I question heaven and hell until I overwhelm myself with what-ifs then I believe again.

My front door is my shoe closet. I hate Lifetime and Lifetime Movie Network unless it's a Saturday before an exam.

My life is a crazy, chaotic, whirlwind of a ride. It's never boring, never easy, sometimes depressing, sometimes happy, full of love and hate and it's all mine. I wouldn't change it for a million dollars but sometimes I wish it was a little less distracting.

She works at a morgue?!

Aw, late night library sessions with Katie Blackmon keep me young! School sucks. End of story. Non-school life sucks because there is no life outside of school. Imagine that!

I have bitched about this over and over but I have to do it again. I am tired of getting text messages and phone calls asking when I will be back in Eclectic/Byron to see whomever is on the other end. With the exception of my grandparents, this shit really pisses me off! Where is it written that only I have to travel to see friends and family? I'm tired of making three and half hour trips home to see a handful of friends for an hour or two at a time. Mobile is a pretty fucking cool town and I would much rather spend my weekends here then back in Eclectic doing nothing but sitting at my parents house. Why do I have to spend my money on gas to come see everyone? When will someone show me the love that I so graciously show them?

With that said, I did go home last weekend for fall break and I kind of enjoyed myself. Not really because of the friends I saw but because of the person I went home with. Who also happens to live in Mobile which = coolness in my book.