Reflections

Recently one of my cousins announced that she was pregnant with her fifth child. I realized at that moment that I am the only grandchild who has not had kids yet.

That realization made me think about my parents and how when my mom was my age she had a teenager and a preteen. At that point I got to thinking about how when I was younger I thought my mom had all the answers. I thought she was so put together and had confidence like whoa. Then I realized that's all bullshit. She knew nothing. She was totally winging it all through my childhood and into my early adulthood. She did a good job of hiding it. Don't get me wrong. She knows a lot and she knew a lot then. But the having all the answers...not by a long shot.

I wonder sometimes where I would be if I had went straight to college after high school. Would I be married by now? Would I be an anthropologist? Would I have attended grad school? Would I still be living in small town Alabama? Would I have a few kids? Would I be happy? Would I be in a career that I enjoyed? Would I still love my husband?

I can't answer any of those questions. And it's very, very rare for me to wonder how something could have been. I see no point in it because I can't go back and change the routes I took so why wonder.

I do know that it would be very unlikely if I had taken the straight to college out of school route for me to have met NOG. And I wouldn't have Jack. Those two things make me happy that I took the paths that led me to today. I can't imagine life without NOG or Jack. I've been happy a lot during my lifetime but I can honestly say that never before have I been this content in my life. Even when I'm stressed because of school all I think about is how at the end of the day I get to see Jack and I get a goodnight from the man I love. As long as those two things continue to happen I will continue to have peace in my life.

I look forward to the day when that goodnight is said in person instead of over text or facetime. But until then I'll continue to study and enjoy my time with Jack and the friends I've made in Memphis.