Go to grad school, they said...

You'll get a better job, they said. You won't be able to work as an anthropologist without an advanced degree, they said.

They didn't clearly let me know how fucking much work I would be doing. Or that my entire life would be consumed with reading journal article after journal article.

Or that I would be expected to do additional volunteer work on top of my assistantship and the class projects I would be assigned each semester.

Apparently, when you sign on for graduate school you suddenly become a super hero that has extra time in the day.

All I want is one full night of sleep. At this point Jack won't even sleep in the bed with me because I toss and turn all night long. And you would think that since I'm not sleeping I could use that time to finish up the readings. But that's not how it works. I start reading and I get drowsy. I lay down and I'm wide awake. It's an endless, mind-numbing cycle that is quickly driving me insane.

What is it that you're reading, Jess? Thanks for asking. It's a whole bunch of old, dead, white guy theory. It's 200 to 300 pages a week of incredibly mind-numbing, convoluted bullshit. I read it and think I understand it but then I get to class and suddenly discussion comes around and I have no fucking idea what is going on. My notes don't line up with anything that is being said in discussion. So I just look like a fucking idiot the entire time. Or I look like I don't know what's going on because I'm not contributing to the conversation.

Spring Break is coming up soon and I'm heading out to LA to see NOG. It's going to be a lovely time. Hopefully I don't spend it all asleep and ignore NOG the entire time I'm there.

Reflections

Recently one of my cousins announced that she was pregnant with her fifth child. I realized at that moment that I am the only grandchild who has not had kids yet.

That realization made me think about my parents and how when my mom was my age she had a teenager and a preteen. At that point I got to thinking about how when I was younger I thought my mom had all the answers. I thought she was so put together and had confidence like whoa. Then I realized that's all bullshit. She knew nothing. She was totally winging it all through my childhood and into my early adulthood. She did a good job of hiding it. Don't get me wrong. She knows a lot and she knew a lot then. But the having all the answers...not by a long shot.

I wonder sometimes where I would be if I had went straight to college after high school. Would I be married by now? Would I be an anthropologist? Would I have attended grad school? Would I still be living in small town Alabama? Would I have a few kids? Would I be happy? Would I be in a career that I enjoyed? Would I still love my husband?

I can't answer any of those questions. And it's very, very rare for me to wonder how something could have been. I see no point in it because I can't go back and change the routes I took so why wonder.

I do know that it would be very unlikely if I had taken the straight to college out of school route for me to have met NOG. And I wouldn't have Jack. Those two things make me happy that I took the paths that led me to today. I can't imagine life without NOG or Jack. I've been happy a lot during my lifetime but I can honestly say that never before have I been this content in my life. Even when I'm stressed because of school all I think about is how at the end of the day I get to see Jack and I get a goodnight from the man I love. As long as those two things continue to happen I will continue to have peace in my life.

I look forward to the day when that goodnight is said in person instead of over text or facetime. But until then I'll continue to study and enjoy my time with Jack and the friends I've made in Memphis.