Always a bridesmaid, thank fucking god.

So, most of you know that I am a firm believer in passive-aggressiveness. Only because I don't really have the balls to say/do what I'm really thinking. With that being said, I will be attending and participating in another wedding. If you are keeping count that is like 1,908,763 weddings I've participated in for the last thirty years.

A lot, I know.

So, this all leads to my passive aggressive behavior. Each wedding I've been in, I try to think of a subtle way to rebel against the bride in hopes of never having to buy a hideous dress, that WILL NEVER EVER BE WORN AGAIN, despite what the sales lady promises. So far it really hasn't worked.

For Daddy Amazing and Incubator Girl I refused to take her phone call for 6 months after they got engaged. She caught me at a weak moment and told me when and where to get my dress. So, to get back at her I cut off all my hair and died it black. Unfortunately she loved it so it didn't work out quite like I had planned.

Then there was my cousin. Her first wedding she insisted we all have our nails and hair done together so we could bond. Blah, blah, blah. I mean, I had known those bitches since I was like 5 and there was no alcohol involved. I don't bond well unless I have a Stoli-o and cran in my hand. So, I refused to take off my tacky anklet.

Her second wedding I told her right before we walked down the aisle that I refused to be in her third wedding.

Then Shop-a-holic got engaged. I very quickly told her that just because we were sisters I did not have to be in the wedding. It didn't work. The dress she picked out is cute. The scene is the beach. So my passive-aggressive revenge is going to be really, really, REALLY fucked up tan lines. I'm talking getting painters tape and making stripes all over my legs and arms. Maybe a crazy picture on my back. A tacky rose or paw prints on my chest.

Then I'm going to make sure I get a nice picture of myself and have it blown up and whenever someone asks me to be in their wedding, I will say Sure, let me show you all the adorable dresses I have worn over the years. Leave that picture for last and just watch the reaction and count down how fast it takes for the blushing bride to retract her question.

I'm so fucking brilliant sometimes I scare myself.