GoPro Sunday

For Christmas N.O.G. gave me a GoPro Hero4 Session and a harness for Jack. So far we've been on a few hikes and we went to the dog beach in Long Beach.

I'm still learning how to use the GoPro Studio editing site so I've only created one video and posted it to my YouTube channel. I'm still getting the hang of YouTube also. Basically it's a learning process and you guys are my test audience.

So for your viewing pleasure, here is Jack's visit to Rosie's Dog Beach in Long Beach, California.

Food Friday

I've been cooking a lot lately. Rosemary chicken in the crock-pot. Apple bourbon pork chops in the cast-iron skillet. Sugar cookies with royal icing. Mini Chicken Pot-Pies. It's been an adventure.

Since I never take enough pictures during the process of preparing the meals, all I really have is pictures of the final product. 

I think I will dedicate Friday's to food and I'll work harder at taking pictures through out the entire preparation process all the way up to the final product. Until then, here are pictures of all that I listed above.

Rosemary-Garlic Chicken

Not the best presentation. But it was delicious. 

Skillet Pork Chops with Apples and Bourbon

There are pork chops under all that roux and apples.

Chicken Pot Pie with an Herb and Cheddar Crust

I am so proud of how these turned out. They were so pretty and good.

Sugar Cookies with Royal Icing

Again, not the best picture but still really good. I added raspberry extract to the icing and it was so good!

I hope everyone has a happy halloween! Stay safe, check your candy, and have fun!

I hate Linkedin

Today I received an email from a professor at the school where I did my year of a hellish graduate program. Seems innocent, right?

Wrong.

I won't go into much detail about the message but I do want to talk a little about the time I was in grad school.

To start I want to say that I by no means expected graduate school to be easy. During my time in undergrad I worked in an academic office that had a master's and Ph.D program and since I worked there for four years I became friends with a couple of the master's students and saw there journey from master's to the first few years of Ph.D work. While this was a second hand experience, meaning I did none of the work, I do think that knowing them and seeing what stress they were under gave me a very realistic view of what a master's program would be like. 

My program was nothing like I, or any of my cohort, expected.

When I began the process of looking for a program and applying I found three schools that I really liked. One was a long shot and because of a mix up between one of my letter writers and the deadline I was not accepted into that program. 

The other program looked awesome on paper. I was so excited about it. My career focus has always been to work in public health but from an anthropological point of view. This program had a dual degree path with the public health department. I applied, I visited, I was accepted to the program. But it didn't feel right. Everyone I met was amazing. The professors was so friendly and helpful, the head of the graduate program responded to a ridiculous amount of emails sent by me. I thought, going into the visit that I had found my home for the next two plus years. But when I left I didn't feel relief. I didn't feel like it was the right fit. Everything felt just a little off.

The third program was just a whatever application for me. They had a medical anthropology program and I felt that even if I didn't go with a program that had a public health aspect at least the medical anthropology would open a few more doors career-wise for me. I applied to the program and didn't think much more of it until I got an email saying I was accepted into the program. I felt odd about it because no one had contacted me at anytime. I didn't have any questions for them about their program because I didn't really expect to get in. So when I received the email I was a little surprised. I emailed the graduate coordinator asking if I could visit the department and she enthusiastically said yes. I visited my dream school on a Friday and this program on the next Tuesday.

Everything about this visit was magical. I was nervous about the city because you never hear great stories about Memphis. But the campus was beautiful. The two graduate students who gave me the tour were so nice and didn't give me the bullshit fluff reasons to attend the program. The professors I met with were again, awesome. They were all doing research in everything I was interested in. I left and immediately called my mom telling her I found my program. I found an assistantship and everything was in order.

But then, the closer it got to time to move I started feeling nervous and anxious. The nerves weren't the good excited to be starting something new kind. I was sick to my stomach daily. I was having nightmares when I would finally sleep. I was scared. I texted my friends from undergrad asking about what I was experiencing and they reassured me that it was normal. I spoke with my doctor and he placed me on an antidepressant because it's completely normal for someone on the verge of taking a huge life step to be nervous and anxious. 

So I moved. I found an apartment near a beautiful park for Jack. I met the other members of my cohort. I started class. 

Immediately the feedback I was getting was that my work was subpar. One professor said that everything I turned in looked like I did it the morning it was due. Another critiqued the terms I used in a paper as if I could read his mind on the correct words he wanted to see. Every paper I wrote I was told it looked as if I spent a day at most on it no matter how long I worked at it. When I participated in class I was told my interpretation of readings was wrong. If I didn't participate in class I was given marks off and received emails saying I need to talk more in class. I never made above a C on a presentation. (This I expected because I have severe social anxiety and speaking in front of a group is not easy. As hard as I tried this was never going to get better and I had accepted that and all of the professors knew it also.)

My anxiety became worse. At one point I couldn't even leave my bed over a midterm break. I hated getting up in the morning. I hated talking to friends. I hated talking to my family. The only person I really spoke to was NOG and that was because he didn't tell me I was wrong every time I said something. 

I began to question my intelligence. I wondered how I had been accepted into three of the five programs that I had applied. I wondered how my friends and family could stand talking to me because I was clearly the stupidest person on earth. My drive to campus was filled with thoughts of, "If I had a bad enough car accident I would get an extension (hopefully) on all my school work and a little more time to make it perfect" or "I should just stop going. No one would miss me except my friends". I hid the truth from my parents until I finally broke down during a phone conversation with my mom. I was very surprised that she didn't end up at my door step later that day because she finally realized how depressed I had become.

I finally emailed the chair of the program, who was also my advisor and who I had butted heads with from the first day of class. I told her everything I felt about the program in a nice way. I explained that I didn't understand how I was accepted into the program because I was clearly not bright enough to be a member of this department. She nicely blamed me for everything, reinforcing my insecurities, and pointed me to another graduate program on campus. I emailed my other professors and only one of them reached out to me to express their displeasure in seeing me leave. 

Slowly I began to feel better. I began to feel like I wasn't the stupidest person in the room. I talked more with my cohort and realized that I wasn't the only one experiencing this. That there were maybe three people satisfied with their experience but that everyone else, to some degree, hated it and wished they had never attended this particular program. 

I took an internship in Los Angeles for the summer after my first year of grad school. My plan was to return to Memphis and finish my master's in the new program my advisor had told me about. I felt good about it all. But then the closer it got to return I started feeling anxious again. The nervous and depression returned. Then I got a call from my assistantship saying they couldn't hire me back because I was on academic probation. I took a fail in one of my spring classes because I was on the verge of a breakdown. I knew it was coming and my professor, the only one to reach out to me, completely understood and even said that we might could work something out so that I didn't have a fail. I was planning on working with her once I returned to school but I didn't get the chance. 

I made the decision to go ahead and move permanently to Los Angeles. It was always my goal and that was part of the reason that I butted heads with my chair. I wanted to do my practicum in LA but she felt that I wasn't experienced enough to do that, plus she had a litany of reason to stay clear of LA, including the cost of living, finding living arrangements, getting around the city. I assured here all of those things were taken care of already and that seemed to piss her off even more.

All of the anxiety and nervous and depression were gone when I made the decision to stay in LA. I was finally able to live full time with my partner. We had been together for four years but until this past summer we had never lived together. Our visits were maybe a week at a time. Finally we would be in the same state, same city, same house. I was so happy, and still am. 

Until today. I received an email from one of the professors at the program through LinkedIn saying it was unethically for me to have the graduate program I didn't graduate from on my account. Suddenly all those nerves, anxiety, and depression came back. For a brief moment I was back in Memphis, unhappy and sad and sick because of a stupid email containing information that isn't true. 

So instead of looking for a job for the past hour and half, I've been googling articles on how to list a graduate program that was attended but no degree was attained. I've let one of the people who made my life hell for 9 months ruin my day. But I'm done. I have my articles to back me up and I'm moving forward. To hell with Memphis and graduate programs that suck.

I never keep my promises when it comes to blogging...

So...Obviously I didn't make it back the next day. I rarely make it back the next day. 

I will try and do better though, I promise.

This weekend has been pretty low key. NOG and I went to one of my favorite restaurants in Culver City called Rush Street. They have an amazing salmon dish with basil mashed potatoes. I usually hate mashed potatoes but those green tots at Rush Street are entirely too delicious. This past weekend I tried the skirt steak because I was in need of some bloody, red meat. My meal was as good as ever but as I told NOG I think I'll stick with the sea food that's offered because it's some of the best I've had in LA. 

Saturday evening we went to see The Martian at the Arclight in downtown Culver City. I loved it. There were a few issues I had with how Mars was portrayed, specifically gravity and how the sun looks from Mars, but other than that I very much enjoyed it. And for once NOG and I BOTH agreed that it was a good movie. That never happens. I think the last time it happened was when he recommended I watch Moonrise Kingdom and I ended up loving the movie. Basically I can gauge whether I will enjoy a movie based off of how much NOG despises it and vice versa. It's very very rare for us to enjoy the same movie. 

We also took Jack for a walk to the nearest PetCo. He needed snacks and exercise so we made the mile and half walk. I learned that Jack becomes very anxious around busy intersections so we probably won't be walking there again. All in all it was a fun little bit of exercise. Plus they have Yoda ears on sale for $5 and even though NOG doesn't agree with me, Jack definitely needs them and will be getting them soon.

He doesn't look bad for walking almost four miles in an hour and half.

Sunday was pretty low key. I've been battling a headache that seems to want to stick around. Somewhere near us was a street being re-paved and the smell of the asphalt got to me. I've been sneezing since I first noticed the smell and then the headache came along. Now I can add a sore throat to the mix. Since the temperature dropped a good 15 degrees I guess I can add fall weather in also.

I didn't do much yesterday but lay in bed and watch ghost stories. I finally decided I wanted some lavender bread so I was up long enough to make that. I found an amazing recipe on Pinterest and I've made it a couple of times now and it just gets better each time. I love it but I don't think NOG is too fond of it. Which is fine with me because that means I have a great breakfast for the next couple of weeks.

Lemon glaze and fall flowers. What more do you need?

I'm off to apply for more jobs. Wish me luck. I need it.

Update number....who cares

One of my most popular posts was where I listed things about me. I figure it's been a long while since I've done that so I'm recycling my own idea and doing it again.

So, like my life where nothing is in order, here is a non-orderly update on all things Jess.

I love LA. I love being here. I love that I've visited for so many years and now I can call it home. I love that I get to lay down beside NOG and Jack every single night and I get to wake up beside them every single morning.

I hate driving in LA. It's not as difficult as I expected but it's time consuming and it's frustrating and it's annoying.

I hate job searching in LA. I thought that I would be out here with a masters degree but since Memphis turned out to be my literal Hell on Earth, that didn't work out. I feel completely inadequate when it comes to sending my resume out. I read the job descriptions and think to myself, I am in no way qualified for this job. Which leads to this entire anxiety spiral of what if's, the most prevalent of those what if's is wondering at what point NOG will get tired of footing my bill and ask me to leave.

I love the new friends NOG has introduced me to in LA. After dating for four years and all of it being long distance, we didn't really venture out to include others when we visited one another. Our time was always limited so we spent it with one another instead of including others we would have to get to know into the mix. But now I'm a resident of LA (okay, not yet really because I haven't gotten a California ID yet but I'm working on it) so my time with NOG isn't limited. We can visit and make plans and do so much more than we ever could before. It's really nice.

One of those new friends has invited me to join a book club. I'm ridiculously excited to read something and discuss it in a setting that doesn't include a person with a Ph.D telling us (specifically me) how wrong my OPINION is and what the author truly meant about their writing. Plus, I'm excited to expand my social network.

I miss thunderstorms. I knew moving to the west coast would mean I would no longer see or experience a lot of things but I didn't think I would miss it as much as I do. So far thunderstorms and evergreens are the number one things. I definitely don't miss the suffocating humidity and high temperatures. One thing I do miss the most is air conditioning. NOG has this horrible habit of telling me to "just think cool thoughts" when I express my frustrating on how hot it is. I'm pretty sure my eyes cross and even more steam comes out of my ears. For 34 years I've lived in the South with limited excursions living in the Rocky Mountains (IN THE WINTER) so I've always had air conditioning for the unbearable hot days of summer, fall, winter, and spring. It's going to take some time for me to completely adjust to living somewhere that the only places that have ac are movie theaters and businesses.

I miss my family. Even though the last year of me living back home was actually spent in Memphis which was 6 hours from my parents, sisters, and niece and 8 hours from my brother and his family, I was still in the same geographical region as them. In reality I'm a shorter plane ride away than it would have taken me to drive to see all of them but I'm still feeling the distance pretty heavily.

I miss finding grits and Martha White cornmeal when I go to the grocery store. California is great for growing most fruits and vegetables year round where as back in the South you would only see them seasonally. But they aren't really good at having those staples you see in a southern kitchen. Luckily my mother packed a GIANT bag of grits in with Jacks stuff when I was back home preparing for the move and she mailed me a package this week that included a bag of cornmeal. Tonight I'm making cornbread and (canned) white butter beans. It will be just like I'm back in my grandparent's kitchen.

I think Jack likes it here. I know he misses the lake and I know that Random Money Giver really misses him. The neighbors have a chow mix that is definitely the alpha of our row houses. Champion follows behind Jack any time they are in the yard together, peeing on everything after Jack does it and blocking him from going to certain places in the yard. Twice now Champion has nipped at me, the second time he actually made contact and snarled as he did it. I don't know what to think of that. It's difficult to say anything because his humans are from El Salvador and speak little English. I speak no Spanish so I'm in that hard spot by the rock. Hopefully Champion will warm up to Jack, after all, we've only been here a month.

I think that's about all I have for the moment. Since I'm only volunteering and not working anywhere at the moment, I am going to make a real effort at growing my readership on this blog. I've had it for a few years now and I've enjoyed writing and sharing my life for the limited amount of people I know that read and those randoms that find it somehow. But I think it's time to make more of an effort and expand.

So, I'll see you guys tomorrow.

#JackandJessinLOSANGELES

So...

Jack and I moved.

To Los Angeles.

We've been here almost a week. The neighbors have a chow-chow named Champion and he and Jack aren't really sure of one another so they just follow each other around peeing on the same stuff. Champion wants to be the alpha but Jack is bigger. The only problem is that Jack is a giant baby so he's letting Champion be the alpha. We'll see how that goes.

It's been great spending the summer with N. O. G. Now that we are officially living together it's even better. Even though it's been hot as shit in LA the last week. I might die of heat stroke soon but the time I've been out here has been pretty much perfect.

I'll let you know if that changes.

It's what happens at 3 am.

I hate anthropology.

Not really. I hate the people who teach anthropology at the University of Memphis. I've decided to change course.

I'm so incredibly scared I can't sleep at night.

It's 3:20 in the morning on a Saturday and my mind won't be quiet long enough for me to sleep.

I'm leaving in a few days for my parents house. I'll get to see some family. Have some fun on the lake. Eat way too much food.

I won't sleep there either.

On June 2nd I'm leaving for a summer in Los Angeles. I'll get to spend it with NOG. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I'm sad because I'll be leaving Jack behind for the summer. It's not feasible to have him make the drive out there with me. He'll stay with my parents for the summer and swim and have fun with the wildlife and I'll miss him terribly and wonder why I ever thought adopting an animal was a good idea since it makes me so damn sad to be apart from him.

I have a list of things I want to do in LA. I hope that NOG is up for them all.

I hate Memphis. I don't think I've ever hated a place more in my entire life. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in school. I don't want to be anywhere but in my bed. With the covers over my head where no one can reach me.

Life with NOG and Jack is awesome.

It's the time away from them that sucks.

Go to grad school, they said...

You'll get a better job, they said. You won't be able to work as an anthropologist without an advanced degree, they said.

They didn't clearly let me know how fucking much work I would be doing. Or that my entire life would be consumed with reading journal article after journal article.

Or that I would be expected to do additional volunteer work on top of my assistantship and the class projects I would be assigned each semester.

Apparently, when you sign on for graduate school you suddenly become a super hero that has extra time in the day.

All I want is one full night of sleep. At this point Jack won't even sleep in the bed with me because I toss and turn all night long. And you would think that since I'm not sleeping I could use that time to finish up the readings. But that's not how it works. I start reading and I get drowsy. I lay down and I'm wide awake. It's an endless, mind-numbing cycle that is quickly driving me insane.

What is it that you're reading, Jess? Thanks for asking. It's a whole bunch of old, dead, white guy theory. It's 200 to 300 pages a week of incredibly mind-numbing, convoluted bullshit. I read it and think I understand it but then I get to class and suddenly discussion comes around and I have no fucking idea what is going on. My notes don't line up with anything that is being said in discussion. So I just look like a fucking idiot the entire time. Or I look like I don't know what's going on because I'm not contributing to the conversation.

Spring Break is coming up soon and I'm heading out to LA to see NOG. It's going to be a lovely time. Hopefully I don't spend it all asleep and ignore NOG the entire time I'm there.

Reflections

Recently one of my cousins announced that she was pregnant with her fifth child. I realized at that moment that I am the only grandchild who has not had kids yet.

That realization made me think about my parents and how when my mom was my age she had a teenager and a preteen. At that point I got to thinking about how when I was younger I thought my mom had all the answers. I thought she was so put together and had confidence like whoa. Then I realized that's all bullshit. She knew nothing. She was totally winging it all through my childhood and into my early adulthood. She did a good job of hiding it. Don't get me wrong. She knows a lot and she knew a lot then. But the having all the answers...not by a long shot.

I wonder sometimes where I would be if I had went straight to college after high school. Would I be married by now? Would I be an anthropologist? Would I have attended grad school? Would I still be living in small town Alabama? Would I have a few kids? Would I be happy? Would I be in a career that I enjoyed? Would I still love my husband?

I can't answer any of those questions. And it's very, very rare for me to wonder how something could have been. I see no point in it because I can't go back and change the routes I took so why wonder.

I do know that it would be very unlikely if I had taken the straight to college out of school route for me to have met NOG. And I wouldn't have Jack. Those two things make me happy that I took the paths that led me to today. I can't imagine life without NOG or Jack. I've been happy a lot during my lifetime but I can honestly say that never before have I been this content in my life. Even when I'm stressed because of school all I think about is how at the end of the day I get to see Jack and I get a goodnight from the man I love. As long as those two things continue to happen I will continue to have peace in my life.

I look forward to the day when that goodnight is said in person instead of over text or facetime. But until then I'll continue to study and enjoy my time with Jack and the friends I've made in Memphis.

I'm halfway done with my first semester of graduate school

As the title says, I'm almost done with my first semester of graduate school. It's been an interesting 11 weeks. 

I love all of my class with the exception of Applied Anthropology. It's an interesting topic but the class drags on and on. The professor is an interesting person. He has favorites in the class so I don't have to worry too much with sounding intelligent because I'm not one of the favorites and that is perfectly fine with me since most of the material is over my head.

It's interesting being in class with undergrads. They tend to talk more than anyone else so it's hard to get a word in during discussion. 

I have to present on one of my papers in about two weeks. The instructions are to present like at a conference. I have never been to a conference so I have no idea how to present like I'm at one. I'll have to talk to the professor soon to figure that all out.

It's been interesting getting to know everyone in my cohort. Seems like we all get along well so that's good. We all have such diverse interests that I only see most of them in our Applied and Proseminar classes. It's nice to be surrounded by a group of people just as clueless as I am during class.

Jack loves the dog park in Memphis. If we don't get the chance to go everyday he's very difficult to deal with so I make an effort to get him there daily. We've walk the track everyday so that we both get some exercise before he starts looking for fish. Apparently he's gained quite the reputation at the park. The other day we went out there and did our usual walk. We got back to the big pond and he immediately started looking for fish. A woman on the bench beside me asked me what he was looking for and I told her fish. Her whole face lit up and she said that someone asked her if she had seen the black lab that fishes. It made me laugh that people are talking about him.

Not much else is going on since all I do is go to class and work and home.