Week 5

Only 4 weeks of summer classes left. I must go to school everyday. No matter how badly I want to stay in bed. 4 weeks. I can do it. I have to do it in order to get a good grade and get my financial aid money back. AHHHH!

I have a freak of nature for a pet. She started out as a cute, cuddly, calico kitten that I found in the tree outside of my apartment. Flash forward to a year later and she is a demon from hell. Literally. She has destroyed the carpet in my apartment. I have bought scratching post after scratching post trying to find one that she likes. She likes all of them AND the carpet. Uses the post then pushes it out of the way to use the carpet. She has EVERYTHING a cat could ever want or need and yet she walks around the apartment in a pissy ass mood all day long. She likes to knock cups full of liquid over, tearing up toilet paper, destroying shoes, and ripping my legs to shreds. The only thing I can think to do is to get another kitten. Maybe if she has a play mat, she will leave my legs, carpet, and shoes alone. Or maybe they will gang up on me and kill me in my sleep.

What to do, what to do.

Undo it

I really like that song.

I screamed at my reflection in the closet mirror this morning. Went in to get a pair of shoes and turned around and saw myself and screamed. Not good for my ego. Makes me think I have been spending too much time by myself lately.

Had a chemistry exam scheduled for today but the air conditioning went out in the Chemistry building. He rescheduled it for Monday. Yay. I will have more time to study. Go me. It's amazing how much more you learn when you have a teacher that actually, well, teaches.

Fourth of July is coming up soon. Not sure if I will make it home. You need gas to go places and you need money for gas. Don't have the money so I don't have the gas. If all of the fam gets together I am sure Mom will pay my way.

Made a new homework buddy today. Actually 2. Means I am moving up in the friend world! They are probably both about 20 years old though. I guess beggars can't be choosers.

Can't decide if I want to go back to sleep or eat since I have all this free time today.

One foot in front of the other...

I never really knew what that meant until my first break-up. The only way to get somewhere is by putting one foot in front of the other, right? So why the cliche?

When I finally realized that my life was at a grinding halt because of him, I asked him to leave. When he was gone, my world crashed around me. I had seen pieces of it falling before he left but then suddenly it all hit the floor.

I laid down in the bed we shared and cried. I grieved like a wounded animal. I knew in my heart that I would never be the same.

So, I go forward. One foot in front of the other. I move on with my life. I go to class. I go to work. I laugh. And I still cry.

But not because of him. I cry now because of myself. I cry because my life is a mess. I cry because I have very few friends here. I cry because the friends I want to be here are too busy with their own lives to worry about mine. I cry because I think that nothing matters anymore.

So, can someone, anyone tell me that it matters? That there really is something out there to reach for?

Where the fuck are you?

You had someone knock on my door and tell me that you were in jail because your other ex found you with a needle in your arm. Three days after you told me you were clean and sober. It has been three weeks since that knock but you still aren't showing up on the current inmates list.

Do you think I am stupid? Some naive little girl that has no idea how to look for information? Did you really think I wouldn't call her to find out the truth?

Good job on getting her to lie for you. Even better getting all the other neighbors involved.

Too bad you didn't have them check all of their stories before they called me. Because none of them match.

So the truth is that you do think I am stupid.

Well, the jokes on you. I am done for good. You will no longer make me cry. You will no longer scare me. I will no longer worry about you.

I am moving on and you can't stop me.

Go ahead.

Try it.

I will crush you.

That is not an empty threat.